Episode 36: Shoulding on Yourself

Show Notes

Shoulding on ourselves tends to be the perfectionist’s preferred method of mental torture, especially if we act out of guilt, or if our actions reflect our need to control how others perceive us. 

Our “shoulds” don’t always come from us, but from our environment. It could be social media, our friends, family and workplace, etc. It’s very important to always reflect on our ‘should’, and decide if it comes from a belief that we value or if we actually would want to get rid of it.

Shoulding leads to us having a negative self-concept or self-esteem since in taking actions we don’t really want to take, we ignore what we truly want or stand for. In essence, we turn our backs to ourselves.

‘Shoulds’ are our own judgment of situations, not other people’s:
Here’s an example.
Teacher: “I should have my lessons planned for the entire month.” 
Thought: It would look and sound impressive when I talk about it.
Reality: The only person who really cares about how that sounds is the one thinking it. Everyone else is thinking about themselves. 

Shoulding ourselves is oftentimes a cry for validation. Being aware of this allows us to discern the thought, pause and then decide whether we really care and whether we can/want to allow others to be wrong about us. Pausing affords us the opportunity to go for the choice that allows us to have our own back. This is a beautiful way to start mending that relationship we have with ourselves. This is a liberating experience: to allow others to be who they are, and to think what they want, because the truth of the matter is they will anyway.

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Connect with the hosts:

Madel Mazzella:
Instagram: ⁠@madelmazzella
TikTok: ⁠@madelmazzella⁠
Website: madelmazzella.com

Kaitlyn Rapai:
Instagram: @the_teacher_burnout_coach
TikTok: ⁠@kaitlyn_rapai_coaching⁠

Original Music by: Matthew Dotson

Cover Art by: Nate Rapai

[Disclaimer: Any views or opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the hosts and guests and do not necessarily represent the views or opinions of any educational institutions or organizations. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. The hosts are not licensed therapists and their opinion does not substitute the advice of a physician or other qualified professional]